hands & feet.

passion.

2010-04-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

what is passion anyway?
why do so many people throw themselves into hobbies or work?
why do we have to have a little 'thing' that we just love?
is it what makes us who we are?
unique?
expressed?
talented?
...special?

are these sports, this art, these achievements or even relaxation self-therapies part of our very being from the day we're conceived?
and what makes me lose desire to do something i once loved? and what makes me so hesitant to try something i know i could love, but that someone else would know i'm worse than them at?

'maybe you should find something you're passionate about.'
maybe there isn't anything. not really anyway.
maybe your passion is people.
is that enough?
maybe it's words.
literature.
poetry.
diaries.
novels.
speeches.
dramas.
grammar.
dictionaries.
languages.
.
there are so many things that make up one simple passion.
words.

my passion can't be people. half the time i'd rather sit alone and only think about others.
it can't be physical activity.. because i'd rather sleep than run. though sometimes my adrenaline's so thick and my energy so deeply numbed and blotted out that i feel i'll burst if i sit still a moment longer. maybe i need to run.
it can't be art.. because i paint when i find someone else's idea. i can't paint what's in my own mind because it never comes out how i wanted it to. i feel like i failed unless i see the beauty and mimic it perfectly. but how is it my own that way?

is this my own? these babblings and simple strings of sentences i like to call poetry. an expression of my own twisted, stubborn, tensed, ignorant mind. i don't know enough, i don't want to know enough, and the bottom line is: i'm not enough.
when passion fails, the heart feels empty.
and where is life when there is no passion?
so my life, without passion, is nothing.

maybe it does make me unique.
maybe it does make me special.
it marks my territory in this world that i so desperately long for because of my insecure human nature. it makes me feel alive, renewed, understood, or even purposely misunderstood.
understand that you do not understand, and maybe i will have met my goal.

the truth is, this ridiculous mind has no goal.
it only thinks out loud, in rhythms, in letters, in hugs, in half-hearted or bursting smiles.. or a read-between-the-lines tired eye that wishes to feel and live just that little bit more, but has no idea how to get there.

maybe it's easier being stuck in a mind of no limit.
it's both freeing and restricting in a healthy, yet frightful way.

Heavyhearted.

2010-01-04T21:12:00.000-08:00

What is the meaning of grace, when it speaks to my darkest place?
Why do I always feel like I'm Your disgrace?
I'm sick of saving face.

When I feel heavy hearted, I know You're taking me back.
When You take me as I am, it's like the sunlight gracing the land.
When I feel heavy hearted.. please come and take my hand. I'm heavy hearted again.

Where is the message of hope when I'm sick & I'm all alone?
Why do I listen to doubt?
Why do I shut you out?
..You're what I need the most.

Though I feel so heavy hearted, I know You're taking me back
It's so crazy.. how You sustain me.
When I am down in the dirt, You come and claim me.
Father, Your burden is light.
I need Your love tonight.
I'm reaching out to You.

- the glorious unseen. heavyhearted.

-------

i posted this because i was about to do some journaling.. and I can't get this song off my heart today. the line 'when you take me as i am it's like the sunlight gracing the land'.... is echoing insanely. i know He's whispering it to me... "I take you back just as you are."
words i don't deserve but need so desperately.
i don't know why i listen to doubt, or why I shut him out.. when He's the only one that can sustain and satisfy my needs, my heart and my every breath. it's amazing how i can forget him so easily, then break after weeks of trying to live it on my own.

--

Abba Father.. I come before you completely broken, sinful and full of bottled up emotions. My God.... I can't hold them any longer. I can't keep walking without You carrying me. It leaves me at a loss of how to love, how to work, to carry on friendships and relationships, to be faithful, merciful, forgiving and not begrudging or complaining. I sit in my sea of complaints, so UNGRATEFUL and undeserving. I'm so sorry.. I'm sorry for not choosing You. I'm sorry for forgetting You as my First Love and breaking Your heart again. I'm sorry for trying to do it all without You.... it just can't be done. Not well.. and not without a lot of unnecessary pain and grief. I'm hurting you, I'm hurting myself, I'm hurting my relationship. I need You more than ever... You are so good and so faithful.. I need a new start with You.
Take me as I am..
I am learning to love You.
Your -hopeful- Angelie.

2009-08-02T21:22:00.000-07:00

She who reconciles the ill-matched threads of her life,
and weaves them gratefully into a single cloth—
it's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall
and clears it for a different celebration where the one guest is You.
In the softness of evening
it's You she receives.
You are the partner of her loneliness,
the unspeaking center of her monologues.
With each disclosure You encompass more
and she stretches beyond what limits her,
to hold You.

- Rainer Maria Rilke from The Book of Hours: Love Poems to God

confessions of a lost daughter.

2009-07-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful
(Bethany Dillon - Beautiful)

----

Normally I'd post things like this in a note on facebook or something..but the other day I came back to this blog and realized the beauty of re-reading what I'd written when I was away and when I came back. I really wish I had written more.
And now.. 7 months after coming home, 8 months after leaving Africa, and now a YEAR since I set out to Africa.. I have to sit back and wonder what God really did in me this year.

Since I got home, I could probably sit down and count the number of times I've really sat down to dig deep into God's presence and let myself learn from Him - alone, set apart and solely abandoned to surrender.
I almost don't know what it's like right now. This is brutal honesty, but since I came back, I've dealt with bitterness, loneliness, anger, anxiety, impurity, physical weakness and spiritual abandon. I'm soaked in sin and amazed at how quickly I've forgotten my Saviour.
The trip itself left me with confusion and anxiety... I don't know what happened, but while I was away, I feel like I learned things that changed me.. for the better and for the worse.
I've been so bitter at some people I met while I was away and how brutally attacked and alone I felt as soon as I came home, and how I felt that no one cared.

I can't believe I'm posting this publicly, but.. if someone who doesn't believe in Jesus comes across this blog and sees the contrast - the ups and downs of this narrow road, I hope they see... it's real. It's not religion, it's not the fight to live holy, it's not the fear to leave this God of jealousy, it's nothing that'll make you full of hatred. It won't leave you empty-handed or empty-hearted... because IT is the God of absolute love.... and here I am, leaving Him behind in months of torment and built-up fears and failures.
The more I leave Him behind...the more those things build up, and the more alone I feel.
The more I don't feel beautiful.
Like the song above said - I can't tell you how this life has been a constant search for beauty.
How I went from persistent acne, to weight issues, to impurities... well, you know. story of a lot of girl's lives. To believe that there is something completely unique, stunning, captivating in the depths of their hearts and in every inch of their being. That one day a man could stand there in astonishment at the beauty that stands before him. Not just that, that they could stare into the mirror themselves..and see themselves as beautiful. And stand before a perfect Creator and for him to say, "I see no stain on you".
I'm ready to start fighting again... to call on Him for my beauty and to abandon this lifestyle of isolation, anxiety and habitual sin.

I'm begging for another chance... and I know my God of undeserved kindness stands there, arms wide open... waiting for his daughter's call.

Home..

2009-01-31T10:32:00.001-08:00

i hate to post this on a public forum.. and strangely it's hardly about Africa.
but in one way it still is.
have you ever had the feeling of just being completely vulnerable and secluded.. where any thing could happen, and you wouldn't have a clue what to do because nothing's familiar? how do you make any sort of decision in such an unfamiliar place?

i get this lurking feeling of emptiness every now and then lately.
maybe it's my need to keep pursuing God more.. but that gets so hard to do sometimes. i know it's definitely a factor - because HE is where my home is.. but God, i wish i had a home here.
i'm a person who needs comfort.. something consistent in my life. and God is that, He is. and I have Aaron, but it's incredible how insecure and unsure of every thing you can feel at times.

i'm still trusting and waiting for a job.. well, a full time job. i have no income, no security of school and i've made so many changes in my life in the past 7 months, let alone the past month, that I just feel like my heart's been splattered across Africa, Europe and North America. Even new zealand. it's this big flopping mess of emotions every where, and half the time I don't even realize it.. until this hurricane rushes in and I can't handle holding them from the whirlwinds.

I've realized how often I can be incredibly selfish. how incredibly human I am.
How I stood there with my best friend, aching over her pain, realizing how little I had been there. How little I had put her heart in His, trusting He can move mountains.
How I can cry at my own stress and pain, and forget the eyes of the 11 month old that had so much more scarring before her first year of life than I've known in my 20 years.
but how He rescued her.. He rescued her from the abandonment and the curse over her life.
He rescues the fatherless, the widow and the alien.
and I am no different. I have been a stranger in many places over the past 7 months, and He has held me closely. He has let me rest at the foot of His robe, and gently placed exquisite flowers in my hair. and He's still holding me in this foreign place.
I KNOW He cares deeply about the detail.. but it's still the detail that I feel so unsure of.

Mum & Dad.. I miss you deeply. You have been my wise advisors, friends, teachers, shepherds and so much more over the past twenty years.. and though I've left your arms, I'll always need and love you. I'm so proud of you.. for all that you're risking and going through in England.. for your stand to love & follow Christ to the ends of the earth. You have taught me more than anyone in this life and I.. I thank you. thank you for loving me.

Aaron, you are a comfort, you are a steady, familiar place to me. God knows I needed you. He won't leave me without a friend or companion. you have been one of the greatest comrades I could have ever known.. and I can't thank Him enough for you. there are no words for the joy you have brought to my life.. thank you.

I can't say enough of the friends who have stood by me, no matter where in the world I am.
You are the finest rubies.

I am not alone. I have a home.
I'll settle in here. I'll find work.
I'll get a career. I'll use my talents for You.
I trust You.
Thank God for the push to find security and trust in Him.. Father, You are all I need. I'm so sorry when I don't recognize that. You are my Creator, my Rock, my First Love, the Source of all Beauty.. You are everything. I'll keep reaching for Your hand, Abba...
------------

God will you make us a people that love You?
Please take our offerings that we set before You.
God hear our prayers that we're lifting up to You.
God see our tears.. that we're struggling to see through.
God, hear our prayers to You.

In our weakness, You remain.
When we're broken, You sustain.

Lord make our hearts true. Will You make our hearts true?
God hear our prayers as we lift them to heaven.
We're praying the angels receive and embrace them.
The hopes of the empty, the cries of the broken.
We're reaching our hands out, Oh Lord will You hold them?

- the glorious unseen.

re-entry

2009-01-01T11:49:00.000-08:00

'You desire truth in my inward being, therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.'
-ps.51:6

There's little I can say now to explain what's gone through my mind the past month & a half. I feel awful that I didn't keep up with writing on here - especially with all that happened. Journaling got so hard to focus on, and every time I'd come on to post a blog, I'd get overwhelmed with things to say that I would just resort to not saying anything at all. For that, I'm really sorry.

That being said, I'm on my way back to Canada tomorrow.. I can't believe it's finally here!
I had it really easy compared to my other classmates - the rest had to go straight back to their regular lives and sort things out right away. That can be really hard with being in such a concentrated Christian environment for almost 6 months straight and being with the same people and being in this sort of bubble of accelerated growth. I know a couple of them felt so disconnected and unmotivated to talk to God or be involved in anything Christian really for a while - and I was really blessed to not have so much going on right away.

I'll be honest.. it was tough wanting to pursue my relationship with God the past little while.. but the thing is, I know things have gone on inside me & transformed that I never thought would - and I have this total paradigm shift of the way I view Him now.. this whole new understanding of grace that keeps expanding every day. And as I'm torn between pursuing my desires and pursuing my desires in HIM - He is being so patient and every so often I hear the gentle whisper.. "My Daughter, I love you.. I still want to use you." .. whenever I thought that I couldn't seem to hear His voice anymore. Don't lose heart if you feel like you've failed Him.. He's soo full of undeserved kindness that it's ridiculous really! No matter what, He's waiting with open arms and more love for you in every way possible. How can I not be in love with Him?

I miss my classmates a lot - especially you, Andrea. I can't tell all of you enough of what a blessing this one girl was to me. Andrea Mickler has been one of the best friends I could have ever asked for and has stretched me, pushed me, loved me and been there in ridiculous ways... and that - is worth more than any precious stone. During one of our lecture weeks, a woman told me that she felt that the Lord just really wanted to adorn me in precious stones & rubies.. and she gave me a beautiful jade bracelet from China to represent that gift. I began to realize that those stones & rubies were more than just material things or little joys here and there - they were what I'm created for - to be loved by and know other people. Those precious stones & rubies are His blessings in the disguise of relationships - and Dre, I believe that you're one of those rare & precious stones in my life. I'm honoured to have known you and I'm still here.. wherever our crazy dirt roads lead to... :) [I adore you!]

I'd go through all the others... how Susannah impacted my view on joy & faith - she's the most beautiful portrait of how real joy doesn't depend on circumstance - but she's joyful in EVERYTHING! seriously, it's insane! But it's so so beautiful. I learned so much from you zanna. You're going to be a world changer... I have no doubt. You have so much beauty to offer.
How Andy's wisdom & heart for justice impacted my view of Christ - there are few men after God's own heart... but Andy is definitely one of them. He'd open his mouth with just one sentence, and it'd have far more impact on my heart than a full speech. You know how God created everything with just one word? It's kind of like that. Simple. Powerful. His image.
How Hlengiwe (Nini) could sit for hours just singing to Jesus and cared so deeply about never hurting or upsetting anyone - she has a servant's heart.. and it's taken for granted all the time. She's the start of something new in Swaziland.. :)
and how Matt grew into this confident, ridiculous, gentle, funny leader. He's one of the sweetest & most considerate people on the planet.. he loves giving - something I'm terrible at. and he had a world of patience living with four girls and only one other guy for months.. what a guy. (you too andy!)

anyway.. that was my outreach team.. one incredible one. really. I can't even say how amazing my time was - how up and down, homesick, ill-sick and then beautiful moments there were. Malawi was definitely the warm heart of Africa - in heat & in people. Hammanskraal, South Africa was my favourite place altogether though.. we worked with the elderly (I got to be a nurse for a day! :) ), abandoned babies, crashes (like a daycare/preschool) & with the teachers at those, do a youth rally and go door-to-door. I saw people healed, I saw babies told that they wouldn't live 2 weeks or function like a normal child as 4 year olds and responding with vibrancy, I spoke on hurtful parts of my past that I'm now FREE from & see them affect another person's soul, I saw people find a relationship with Jesus and just beauty in the broken.

I spoke at my parents' church last night and one thing I realized.. is that you can go out with the intention of changing the world, but instead God changes you.
I hope it stays that way.. I hope every day I remember His grace and can't help but want to love Him.. and that by loving Him.. I'll be just that inch of Him that makes the difference.
:)

I'm going back home tomorrow....... and I can't wait to see everyone!
Thank you again for everyone who supported, prayed for & loved me through all of this.
If you still have the patience & will..... :) keep praying.. I'll be needing a job as soon as possible when I get home and I'm applying for school to go into Nursing at Conestoga or McMaster for the fall.

With all the things I could be worrying about, Aaron & I read a devotional yesterday that helped me put things back into perspective - leaving things in God's hands - it had a quote by Minnie Louise Haskins from a poem called "The Gate of the Year" - 1908:

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
"Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."
And he replied, "Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!"

:) Keep holding his hand.

love,
His beauty in the making,

angelie beth. :)

Malawi: The Warm Heart of Africa

2008-10-31T09:33:00.000-07:00

[Muli Bwanche]
...
'My eyes behold the glory of the Lord'

-- can i just say, that one of the things that reveals His glory the most, is the beauty of His creation?
the Malawian people are the most warm-hearted, welcoming, loving people i have yet to meet. they have so much to boast in, but they are so humble and kind. they give what they don't have, they love with the biggest hearts, and the smile wider than you'd ever believe. if you ever come to Africa, don't miss the Warm Heart of it.. because no doubt about it, they are some of the most beautiful and Christ-reflective people on the planet.
not only that, but the mountains, the sunsets, the stars, the silhouettes, the trees, the rivers, the LAKE.. are so breathtaking and unbelievable. God is so good.. I can't believe anything other than that.

this land is also, as I've labeled it.. Malawi: The Land of the Living Musical.
for my friends, COUGH - adrienne- this is a DREAM COME TRUE.
i dance & sing with them, and they love the 'Mzungu' dancing crazily in the centre and even leading songs with them. the kids follow us everywhere and sing as they run after us. it's amazing. i leave tomorrow, and i hate to go.

i can't write much because i have limited time and we take another 35 hour bus trip tomorrow morning to Pretoria, SA for the next two weeks. i've basically been doing a lot of preaching/teaching and visiting the sick and dancing with the Africans and LOVING IT. and the kids. can't forget the kids.

God's really been doing good things here and i've learned more every day.
I can't wait to really tell all that's happened and all that He's worked in me.
Thank you again for your prayers - only 5 weeks until i go to England to be with my parents & Aaron! sad, but it's becoming that time... i'm getting ready.. more than ready to be home again :)

Blessings & Love!

angelie :)

Jambulani Africa!

2008-10-12T13:42:00.000-07:00

i'm here in malawi, just finishing my first week.
it's been amazing, and i'm sorry the update hasn't come sooner.
this will be short because of a bit of a time shortage though!

i finished two weeks at the Kruger park base doing construction work and kitchen work - lots of awesome physical labour! and the following week, we basically met a LOT of incredible people who really spoke into my life & blessed me mainly just because of God's love radiating in them. it spoke to me more than any words. we took care of their babies, so i basically had 15 1-2 yr olds to watch with a few others the whole week crying for their mummies. soo.. you can imagine the resounding cries i heard in my sleep that week! we tented it too, so i got used to the tent life and actually enjoyed it! thank God, He spoiled us and blessed us with MATTRESSES! how ridiculous is that? but God cares about the little things so much! i've learned that more and more throughout this trip.

we trucked it out to Johannesburg for one night and said goodbye to our base leaders and other staff and the people we'd befriended at Kruger. we stayed at Joseph Project - the YWAM base in Joburg, after a long trip from the bus station to the base because of the copious amounts of ridiculous driving skills in the city! my word. haha... enough said.

we were so grateful that they put us up there - really great arrangements! and the next day.....ventured on our 35 hour bus trip from Joburg to Blantyre, Malawi. WOO. that was an adventure! i got a $65 charge for a VISA just to drive through Zimbabwe on a bus....apparently Canadians suck. haha.. i don't know! and we have to pay it on the way back too, plus a fee in Mozambique too. our bus driver didn't like us from the start and was constantly reaming us out - yikes. we did have some awesome people on the bus that encouraged us though. i threw up twice as the trip started - no clue why. once an hour before leaving Joburg, and then again 3 hours into the trip. there were tons of complications with borders and the driver was worried we'd be stuck in Zimbabwe - which we really really didn't feel good about, but decided to go ahead anyway - and God honoured that. we made it!
we also had a ridiculously awesome 5-6 hour border cross entering Malawi. so we got to Blantyre at 9pm last Sunday, unsure of what we were doing this past week or where we'd stay. thankfully the orphanage decided to take us early and let us TEACH at the school all week!
wow! it was amazing. i got to be an english teacher and meet some incredible orphans here.
it's really rural and i got to meet some adorable village kids when i went on a walk too. i got some awesome videos that I can't wait to show you all!

we've been eating nsima & cabbage & beans all week with the orphans here.. so tonight a family here blessed us with an amazing african stew and dessert! like i said.. God cares about the little things - even what tastes good to us! this family - the Uys family, has been a huge blessing and if they ever read this - thank you thank you thank you. like i said, you are treasures. no doubt about it.
i'm excited to start work in Lilongwe tomorrow with the churches there for two weeks, then coming back here to live in a village for a week. then because of financial situations, we'll be going back to Joburg for a week, then Capetown for a week, then back to Swaziland for my last two weeks! Let me say how HAPPY i will be to be at rest in one place for more than two weeks eventually!
(mom & dad, i mean you!) happy thanksgiving to all you Canadians - sad i'm missing it! but i'm in africa - soo.. i can't complain. :)
Neabonga Nkulunkulu for YOU! (I thank God for you!)
God's good and i thank you so much for your prayers, support & blessings!
I love you & God's love be with you, always!

love,

angelie :)

Off to SA and Malawi!!!

2008-09-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

today is one of the saddest days yet. lecture phase officially ended on thursday, and we leave for south africa and malawi tomorrow. yesterday was a day of "spring cleaning" - we packed up the entire base - all the mattresses, couches, chairs, tables, beds - just about everything. and scrubbed & swept our little hearts out!
it's hard fitting two months worth of necessities into one bag that has to be light enough to go on 2+ hour hikes with.
we did our weight test and took our massive bags on a hike almost to town on a wonderfully misty day. remind me to never do that with flip-flops on again!

just a heads up for those of you who haven't heard from me lately - if you saw the bits on the news about the riots and things in swaziland lately because of the King - it really hasn't been that bad. i've been completely safe and we stayed out of Mbabane during the upset the other week. I went to the 40/40 ceremonies and nothing happened - the bomb that was said to have gone off, from what i heard, was actually a banana stuck in an exhaust pipe that blew. so no worries, i am safe and well in Mbabane! :) thank you for your concern & prayers!

i have ADORED getting mail! i have now received 4 letters in the mail and one package! thank you to my cousin katie, my parents, elly trepanier & becky hepworth!! i am so blessed - they all came at perfect times when i really needed it. you guys have blessed me so deeply! (oh and Aaron Hamill... baha.. thankyou!! :) ) i''m always happy to get mail so don't stop :)

the last two or three weeks have been phenomenal times of learning - i can sum them up in three words: God is good.
i've learned tons about the Holy Spirit, HIV/AIDS & Spiritual warfare and benefitted from getting to know amazing speakers, battling out my own preconceived ideas & finding the back up for new ideas and realizing the state of Africa, and really just the state of HIV/AIDS here. i've never known much about the disease, and now i feel more prepared to help others understand the reality of it and love people affected/infected.
it's been solid, but i'm definitely ready for outreach. we've been poured into and received so much teaching and blessing, that i'm ready to just see how God can take the things he's taught me and use those to bless and love other people. we've been writing messages we'll be speaking at different churches or whatever comes up & i've had to rewrite my testimony in a new way and write actual teachings that'll be presented to larger groups of people. now, for those of you who went to grade school with me, you know my utter fear of public speaking. but surprisingly, when i spoke first to our own group (which normally makes me more nervous), i actually did it with confidence and said things that i hadn't even planned to talk about. i'm hoping this is a continued trend and that i'm able to speak with conviction and out of love with whatever God puts on my heart. that being said, i can't wait to see miracles and amazing things happen and just honestly, whatever He decides to dish out during these next two months.

i'll be sleeping in a tent at Kruger base in South Africa for the next two weeks and exciting for my 28 hour bus trip to Malawi after that!
we got our work duties for outreach this week, and i am excited to announce that...... i am the team NURSE! woohoo! haha.. really though, i was really excited to hear that, despite the large first aid kit i get to carry about. i also have chappies (gum) to give to the team whenever we have an emotional low or low of any kind to bring unity & cheer everyone up a bit. i'm in charge of recognizing that and trying to make everyone feel better - big responsibility :) i'm also a kitchen manager with matt - so i'll have to make sure the menus are made for the following week and we stay on budget for groceries, and i'm also on for worship with another staff member - Nini. i'm excited to say the least!

please continue to pray for my team's health, unity and that we'll have provision for our daily needs. my team is still in need for continued funds, and our budget for each person during outreach is about R15 - which is about $2.
thank you again for everyone's concern lately, for letters, for prayers and encouragement! i am so blessed! thank you thank you thank you ! :)

i'll write as soon as possible on outreach and give a better update. Nkulunkulu subusisi! (excuse my siswati for anyone who actually knows what that means) God bless you!

lots of love:

Sisi Busisiwe :)

one week till outreach

2008-09-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

sanbonan & my apologies!

i forgot to type up a blog to post this week - so i'll type one up to post before we leave for outreach.

i'll need extra prayers this week :) as we're leaving for Kruger, South Africa on Saturday for a conference for the next two weeks that we'll be helping at, then taking a bus from Kruger to Lilongwe, Malawi until the end of November!

we have a lot of packing up to do since the base won't be at the same building when we return from outreach. along with drama prep, testimonies, messages and all sorts of things to prepare for. thank you for those who are praying - and just a quick update on my financial status. my outreach fees are paid off, but i am in need of general living expenses for the next two months.

if you'd like, you can send any blessing to my home address - 43 Peel St. Brantford, ON N3S 5L7 and my sister Alisa Gagne will deposit any cheques. but if you'd like to deposit it directly to my account, my account number is 6345370 at branch 0341 - brantford fairview.

thank you for your prayers and your support - i wouldn't be here without you.

God's grace with you - blessings & love,

angelie :)

undeserved kindness.

2008-08-30T06:51:00.000-07:00

"Maturity as a Christian is about mastering the basics." - Jerry Bridges

If you haven't seen Les Miserables, you should. Almost everything that stood out to me this week about God's grace is summarized in that movie. It's easy to assume that to be a mature Christian you need to have all the stories and theological knowledge possible - that until you master the history, dynamics and depth of the Bible or of God - you aren't very spiritually mature.
Just as I'm beginning to dive into and understand the undeserved kindness that my Maker has shown me, it gave me a new paradigm on the way I view my relationship with Him and why giving that same undeserved kindness or generosity is so worth it - just because understanding His grace should make me really want to give back to Him. And that I don't have to prove myself to him, but that the story is not people coming to God, but God pursuing people.

I really hope this isn't just a lightly affecting kind of realization - but that I'm amazed and reminded to the point that there's a real change in the way I show kindness and the importance of giving. It's a lifetime process, but every fibre in my being should dare to make that same grace a reality and reflection of Jesus in my own life. The response to grace should be a life of gratitude, right?

Let's just say that the more that we understand grace - the basics of following Him - that's where maturity is, and that takes a lifetime.

We did our outreach at a hospital this past Friday, and originally we were just going to be picking up trash around the hospital (which was freaky at first - we didn't have gloves right away and there were used syringes & gauze all over the ground! we got gloves after a little.) - we ended up going to the children's ward. First we went to the abandoned children's ward - and as soon as I walked in, a little girl hugged me twice and then grabbed my hand. Most of the kids in there have mental disability. I picked up a baby boy whose name was Mufothu (I'm not sure on the spelling though!).. he thrived on even being paid any attention to or being held. He started to cry when I put him back down.. man. I can't tell you how much I wanted to take him with me. That'll be the story of my life during outreach. We'll be going to at least two or three different orphanages and spending weeks there. It's going to be really emotionally taxing.

We then went to three different rooms with sick kids and I had the opportunity to pray for a few and talk to different bomake (mums) and found another little girl named Tengetile! I told her about my little girl at the first orphanage we went to.. :)
Being there just further confirmed my heart for kids & orphans & babies! aand for nursing of course.. :) We were told to go to the maternity ward and see a European baby that had just been abandoned there. We didn't have time go unfortunately.. but this happens all the time here.

After that, we got our yellow fever shots for going to Malawi in a few weeks! (did i mention that outreach is just three weeks away? AH!) I was a little scared, and I'm normally good with needles! We had to convince one of my teammates to get hers between her tears of fear.

The week approaching we'll have around 24 people in the house! 10 extra people to cook for, clean for & share a washroom with :P It'll be an exciting week with really phenomenal speakers.. but really different for us at the base. The topic is on the Holy Spirit, then next week is on HIV/AIDS (the one i've been waiting for!) and the following week on Spiritual Warfare. Then......OUTREACH! We'll head to South Africa for two weeks at that point, then straight to Lilongwe, Malawi and most likely starting at a rural orphanage where the temperature gets up to 40-50ø!

The biggest need for my team right now is 1) Continued prayer for safety of the base - especially this weekend with all of our staff gone to South Africa for a small conference. 2) Prayer for health - it's been a continuous cycle of everyone being sick on and off, and though I was just finally feeling completely well from my sickness earlier on, I now feel something new coming on - this will be a really important prayer for us during outreach with the physical labour & emotional involvement we'll have in everything we do. 3) Fundraising for my outreach team. I am still needing a small portion of funds, and just about all of the rest of my team needs the majority of their funds for outreach. We also need living money for day-to-day expenses that don't necessarily fall under outreach expenses - which is my main need.

Thank you so much for your prayers, again!
I can't believe how fast time is going! I'll be blessed to be home again, but I am definitely blessed to be here and learn/experience the things that I am.
Love & Blessings,

your sisi,

Busisiwe :)

Kathryn, Mphumelelo & Siboniso on the porch of our home.

Susannah, Me, Andrea & Hlengiwe (Nini) at the Highschool Dance Competitions

"to love the least, to love the lost is to love Jesus."

2008-08-23T04:32:00.000-07:00

firstly:
my deepest apologies for any who have been faithful in checking my blog for updates and to make sure i haven't fallen off the planet. thank you for your faithfulness, and especially for caring and praying. it means more than you know. intercession has far more power than we recognize.*

secondly:
i have no idea where to begin.
saturday upon saturday i have sat, blank-minded, but flooded with ideas of what to present in this sort of letter: torn between what's valid to present in a personal way, and what's best to be kept to a generalization for the sake of who may be reading this.

i guess i'll go ahead with however i've honestly felt over the last few weeks, regardless of who may be reading this.
i can't say enough of the value, struggle and beauty that's been thrust upon me in the last few weeks. although, being thrust upon would mean i didn't accept it fully, and that - would be a shame.
it's been a struggle with being sick for two weeks with what turned out to be seemingly just a bad cold (in african weather? no idea!). it started with nausea, a throat so swollen i could hardly eat.. and progressed to a typical sinus headache and bad cold. along with the sickness, i've had days of awful homesickness and the challenge that comes with what i'd call soul surgery.
i call it that because of what it does to a person internally. we've had quite a few speakers with topics about hearing God's voice, the Father Heart of God, Relationships, Submission & Authority. Along with learning about these things, comes putting them into practice. i've been challenged in a lot of areas of weakness, hurts of the past, mistakes & habits of the past, and just reshaping the paradigm of how i look at things - and especially how I view God.
i wouldn't take back a thing that i've learned, or one thing that i've been challenged to deal with - it's definitely been hard - but in a really really good way. it'll be a foundation that will set me for life, and a discipline that i hope will stand strong for good.. and just a love for my Maker that comes more alive every day.

other than what i've been learning, we've had short outreach trips once a week. they've been in a variety of places - i've already written about the first orphanage we went to. the following weeks have been cleaning up at a city event where the King was (i got to see him, his wives & the queen mum!), going into a nearby town and going door-to-door to talk and pray with villagers and going to the outskirts of Mbabane where it's the most povertous of this area and teaching a kid's bible club, making the kids a soccer field, repairing a widow's home, clearing tall grass & bushes, picking up/burning trash & helping some boMake wash their clothing. (bo=plural prefix/more than one, make (mog-ay) - mother). all have been unique and impacting in themselves - but the last two have stood out the most. the chance to go around talking to villagers was a huge blessing and a lot easier than i had anticipated. there were sick kids we got to pray with and one girl asked Jesus to be her saviour that day. :) we also just got to encourage local believers to be an influence in their area and pray with a grandma who is trying to sustain her orphaned grandchildren. with going to the outskirts of Mbabane, i witnessed a part of Swaziland that i didn't know existed. it fueled a deeper love for the country, and it was just an incredible balance of being Jesus' hands and feet in both serving practically/physically by manual labour and meeting needs, as well as providing teaching and love for the kids that will have a lasting impact.
God's really moving in Swaziland. i actually wouldn't be surprised to hear of a Swazi in Canada as a missionary. :)

another intriguing event of the last few weeks is my many proposals from Swazi men...... ..i'm completely kidding. it's not that intriguing. but completely true. men here can take more than one wife legally, so they propose on a fairly regular basis to complete strangers. for one - this week on the way home one afternoon - i was taking a kombi with a friend, and i suddenly felt something in my hair. i looked over to see the man next to me touching and playing with my hair! i asked him what he was doing, and he began to point out how long my hair is and how their hair doesn't grow like that. it was a funny and inescapable conversation - and eventually led to, "will you marry a swazi man?" and, "no, i'm sorry, i have a boyfriend in Canada." and, "i'm sure i could take you from him" ..... uuuuum. i was told next time to say that i'm already married to a swazi, and he payed two hundred cows for me. (aka.. i'm worth a lot, so he can't buy me.) i'd prefer to come back to canada unmarried, thanks!

what i was actually going to talk about, though, was a strange night the other week. it started with practicing a skit that we'd be doing at a church that sunday. we were practicing with our music loud, all in one room. the gate had been locked and the lights in the kitchen off. one of our staff members, matt, went into the kitchen after practice to get a drink, to a boy huddled in between the corner and the stove. he didn't know what to do, so he came back and told us that there was a strange man in the kitchen. we figured he was joking, but went to see anyway.. and lo & behold.... a street boy. ...in our kitchen.
it was scary and strange, yet heartbreaking. our swazi staff questioned him about who he is, where he came from, why he just walked into our house, how he got on the property, etc. and he lied through the majority of the questioning. we eventually got most of the truth out of him - but couldn't just release him from the base. there was the factor that if he was a street boy from the gangs in Mbabane, he may be one of the spies sent to scope out a house to see if there were valuables, easy access or a dog.. and later they would come back and rob us. the decision was to have him sleep on the lower level with petros & elizabeth. we gave him a shower, cut his long hair, gave him new pants, food and new shoes, and prayed over him in the morning before sending him with the police on the request that they would not beat him. he was then sent to manzini to an organization that looks after street kids and finds out about any family, etc he may have.
though it was easy just to think at first of the precautions we should be taking to lock the doors and get a dog - the fear isn't what stands out to me. it was the fact that this boy said that he felt he could come here.. and that he had no where else to go. regardless of why he came to the base.. i know God's got a plan, and i know that this boy will get a whole lot of prayer because of one choice.

if you could remember him, as well as the people in Motjane - where we went door to door in the village, and the kids in the outskirts of Mbabane.. please keep them in your hearts and prayers.
another request is just for the rest of my team - there are just 6 of us going on outreach on October 5th - and altogether, we all still have a fair amount of money to raise before the outreach portion of this trip will be possible. pray for my classmates & staff that still need provision in that way, and i definitely believe that support will come in!
if i haven't mentioned this already, our outreach will be in Malawi for 6 weeks, as well as Kruger, Drakensburg & Capetown, South Africa for a total about about 5 or 6 weeks.
and lastly, for a new building for YWAM Swaziland. the base will need to move to a new building because of certain complications before my school is over. when i come back from outreach, we'll be in a different building altogether.
lastly, continual prayer for the safety of the base. last night we had three men jump over the fence and try to break in while almost all of us were at a local youth group. just elizabeth & petros were home on the lower level with their little boys and it was a really scary time for them. BUT, God is good and watched out for our home! they didn't break in, nothing was stolen and everyone is safe.

again, my apologies for being MIA! i'll try to keep updating and have more current stories, miracles, whatever God decides to dish out while i'm here! remember to be love where you are!
thank you for your prayers again and for keeping in contact! always feel free to email me and i'll get back to you as soon as possible - i love letters, emails, whatever! LETTERS especially! :)
all my love,

Busisiwe by Nkulunkulu. :)
(blessed by God.)

--------

mailing address:

YWAM SWAZILAND
Angelie King
P.O. BOX 4823
Mbabane, H100
Swaziland

*it takes 2 weeks to 2 months for a letter to get here - so keep that in mind if you decide to write :)

ps: dre baby, sorry for swiping your quote! :) love yah!

sanibonani from swaziland!

2008-07-26T04:19:00.000-07:00

sanbonan and blessings from africa!!

a week late on the journey, but here i am - in swaziland, alive & thriving - and happy to be here. i arrived at the tiny swazi airport last tuesday morning (6 hours ahead of canadian time), to meet my three other classmates - susannah from new zealand, andrea from texas & andy from colorado. we struck up conversation with my zoned-out facade and distracted awe of the country i've dreamt of stepping into for so long. i snapped pictures left and right , so excited and in disbelief that i actually made it, and that this mountainous, grassy land was my home for the next 5 months.
i met the rest of my little 'family', consisting of jim & lisa nave - the base leaders, and their little ones - catherine & michael, as well as petros & elizabeth and their little ones - niso & pumi (sponiso & pumilelo). the other staff are younger, but really wonderful - nini (short for hlengiwe in swazi..try to say that 10x fast), matt & timbokhusi..... or just tim, to keep it simple.
they welcomed me right in, and since last tuesday, we've gotten really close and learned loads already. i've picked up random accents between the texan, colorado, kiwi and swazi accents - saying things like ya'll or just a slight twist in the way i say things. pretty radical.. i don't mind one bit. though i'll sound like one confused girl when i get home! (proud to say, i got a texan to say 'eh'... not even trying..haha..wow, i really am canadian)

class started almost immediately - as an introduction to YWAM and what they're all about, what we'll be learning - got my student handbook, as well as created a really nifty personal journal for weekly assignments and got our first book assignment - 'Is That Really You, God?' . i'm learning like crazy already - especially this week, our speaker's name was Pete Thompson - a kind British man living in South Africa who is in charge of all the DTS' worldwide with another gentleman. not only was his accent amazing to listen to, but he was wise, gentle and down to earth. it was hard to see him go, but our weekly speakers will be one of the biggest blessings and challengers while we're here.

we've been told that our outreach will be in Drakensburg, South Africa for two weeks for the YWAM conference (we'll be doing the children's part) and the other 10ish weeks will be in Malawi.. hopefully in the bush or rural areas! :)
and i know, you're thinking - angelie king - in rural areas? ...without showers or technology?
i know. it's sad how much i depend on them at home. huge awakening, or rather admittance, while being here. with internet access being once a week and expensive - i care less to use it unless it's to do things like this or contact my family and friends. a blessing in disguise, for sure. and showers.... well.. let's just say i'm kind of a dirtbag. haha just joking.. i shower.......sometimes. okay, but really, picture this - it's africa, but cold at night, hot during the day: your only chances to shower are a) 6:30 am when its FREEZING, b) lunchtime, when you'd rather eat. or nap. or hangout., c) 9+pm, when you'd rather go to sleep to get up at 6:30am, and it's also FREEZING again........ what would you pick?
OH and ps, the showers, aren't showers at all. it's a tub, with cracks that won't fill up for a bath, and a showerhead that either gets scorchingly hot (and rarely) or consistently icey, amongst the winds and cold tiled washroom...... all this was to say, hey, i'm in africa, and i don't shower much. meet the new angelie.

okay, now that i've grossed you out with my bathing habits, there IS method to madness. you'd think the streets of toronto or hamilton would teach you a lesson or two about poverty amongst wealth - but nothing so strange as this. i can't describe the conflict i feel while walking through mbabane or the small town area i'm in right now. i see men wearing pumas and women shopping at edgar's (higher western fashion) and wearing what i think are brand name heels and orphans dependent on others within the same church.
but material poverty isn't even what strikes me here. from the area i'm in - westernized and prospering, it's the AIDS billboards i see everywhere and not the fact that there are orphans - but that these orphans are orphans because of aids and the way it has affected a nation. i'm not even sure if i'm making sense, but i'd rather not go into detail since most of my time has been within the base so far.

yesterday we went to a local orphanage called sandra lee centre. not by surprise at all, i fell in love with a little girl. her name is tengitele, and she definitely stole my heart yesterday. we got to the orphanage and did a craft with the kids, masks that turned out to be more of a tape war and cutting up paper! oh and tables and pants covered in marker... or in the mouth, that was common too. priceless!
the first little boy that came in was shy, but edged closer and closer to andrea, touched her shoulder, then dove immediately into her lap. he later came to me, and pushed away any other children that got close. any chance he got to be held, he would take it.
i noticed tiny tengitele sitting by herself, drawing beautiful squiggles on her square mask. she wasn't smiling or saying anything at all. i went over to her, scared of how she might react, but i wanted to love her so badly. i went over and started playing peek-a-boo with her mask and she didn't react at all at first, then took it from me and hid her own face.. the more we played and she hid and showed her face, the more she started to smile and laugh.
we went outside after and i seriously couldn't leave her! i wish i could have adopted her.. but there were so many other kids needing to be hugged too.
it was hard leaving, but it's close enough that hopefully we can go back some saturdays to play with them.

i don't have a lot of time, but i'll try to get some photos up and more detailed stories and prayer requests next week!
thank you for your prayers and little notes of encouragement!!
i miss and love you guys!

love from africa:
busisiwe (my seswati name - blessed.)

(with limited time i didn't want to play around with this too much.. the picture of the house is the base i'm living at here in swaziland, the picture above with the two boys is the traditional umbufto warrior costume at a highschool dance competition, with sponiso - a son of two of our swazi staff members in my arms. the other is of the little girl from the orphanage, tengitele.)

funds update!

2008-06-24T22:03:00.000-07:00

..i leave in just 19 days give or take the hours. i can't believe how soon that really is!
i'll go into more detail later.. but it's really been overwhelming sorting out how this is all going to work out and where my heart's at in this. work has been unpredictable, but God's been so faithful.. as i was told tonight that today was my last official shift besides some odd jobs on the side once in a while, i felt the strain of needing to meet the deadline in such a short amount of time. i panicked and stressed for quite a while driving home from a friend's.
as soon as i got home, i checked the mailbox, and an envelope with $200 was inside.
it was sort of a , "shut up and trust me." moment, where i stepped back and realized that no matter how tight financial situations seem right now, God's in control, and i know he'll provide. needless to say, it was really humbling.

i have a total of $4439.89 as of june 24!
This means that the plain ticket is completely covered (it came to about $2321.29)
, and 2118.60 of the school covered - leaving a remainder of just 381.40 to match that.
the outreach amount has not been confirmed, but is standing around $1500, plus the need for about $500 living funds during my stay.
thanks to everyone who's been praying and supporting me, if i haven't already said so. even if i have, thank you thank you thank you. you're such a blessing. :)

The BBQ Fundraiser!

2008-06-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, June 7th, I had a bbq and bonfire fundraiser at Steve & Nancy Burchell's house. The weather was amazingly humid and hot, but still a gorgeous day! I was so thankful for awesome weather.

I had been getting discouraged because it seemed like so many weren't able to make it - but 50-60 people ended up making it out at one point throughout the day and we had an wonderful time hanging out, eating and had a fun little silent auction!
It was really encouraging that so many people took the time to come and support me in this way - and really let me know that they are excited for this trip and are standing with me in prayer through it! I couldn't ask for more!

A friend of mine kept reminding me to trust God, that no matter how I thought the day would go - or any of my fundraising really - that all I could do is leave it with him. And no doubt, I know that - but it was so hard to take that boulder off my back and leave it at His feet. It's still that way, but He sure shut me up yesterday. :) He blessed us with awesome weather, a beautiful family and their house to hold the bbq at, amazing friends and family who made it out and a total raised amount that I hadn't expected.

The grand total raised yesterday was......
(drum beat, please)
$761.00!!

Phenomenal. Honestly. I didn't expect that, or to see all the faces I did yesterday.
I can't stress enough how much all of you have blessed me!
You are SUCH encouragements and I don't know how else to say that.
He reminded me that I am loved, that this is really happening - and that these compassions and desires on my heart aren't just my own.

From what I've figured out this far, I think I'm about half way to my total goal.
If not everyone knows already, support can still be sent to me while I'm overseas. My sister, Alisa King, will be joining a bank account with me so she can deposit any checks for Swaziland.
The plane ticket is completely covered so far, and a portion of the schooling. Now for the outreach portion. :)

Again, I am honoured and blessed for your friendship and support.
God bless you!!

love & blessings,

Angelie :)

here's a few photos from the day!:

Daniel, Sean, Aaron, Steve & Erica hanging out

Daniel, Chels & I doing matrix moves!

My sister, Alisa - silent auction stuff!

Friends from Lift/Mac came to support me :)

Chelsey Burchell - this girl has been a huge support & encouragement to me for this trip!

The story behind the adventure.

2008-06-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

Many of you have received a letter in the mail already about my upcoming trip to Swaziland, but I thought a nice little summary of why I want to go, what the purpose is, and all that jazz would be good for the kick off of this blog.

I can sum up most of my reasoning for going in what I've seen in my family.
I guess you could say that growing up a missionary's daughter instills some sort of desperation to follow in those footsteps, or to jet quickly in the opposite direction.
My parents not only inspired and grew in me a heart for Jesus, but a heart for cultures, world religions and justice. That inspiration only deepened in my experiences at McMaster University this past year, especially with my wonderful little student church (Lift Church), and my activism-related classes in peace, women's and health studies.

My sister, Alisa, went with YWAM to Nicaragua a few years ago on her Discipleship Training School, and the way her heart changed and molded like His heart was gorgeous. She continued and did a Counseling School in Australia, and again - made me want to do the same.

I can say with confidence that God has laid Africa on my heart - and to be honest, I have no idea what that means. I have never been to the continent before, I know little of the culture (learning!), and I know less of what exactly it is He has in store for me there. I'm not sure if the passion to go means just for short-term or eventually long-term - but one thing I do know, is that I'd go to the ends of the earth if He asks me to.
But for years, it's been in the back of my mind, a twisting and torturous whisper to 'go'.
Like mentioned in my letter, I'm at a place of crossroads where I'm not entirely sure what my future holds career-wise or when I'll reach the goals I've had, or where exactly my home is. With my family slowly scattering across Canada and even across the globe, it's not hard to wonder where I fit in all that - especially being alone at this point.

I felt a strange comfort in this timing, and in this location. I'm so thankful this opportunity has come up, and needless to say - terrified! My base leader, Jim Nave, has said that our team is just 5 people at this point, though he's hoping for at least 11. Many are Swazis, with one American and one Kiwi. This means I'll get insanely close with my group! But it also means I'll experience the Swazi culture and people to a greater extent, with hopefully as little distraction as possible! Thank the Lord :)

From what I know at this point, I'm flying out from Toronto on July 13th at 11:10 pm, arriving in England at 10 am the next morning, and flying from England to Manzini, Swaziland that afternoon, arriving in Swaziland at 11:10 am on July 15th. That means I'll be missing orientation and my first day and a half of classes, but I'll get caught up in no time I'm sure!

It's actually really funny that I chose Swaziland, prior to knowing that it was the highest in HIV/AIDS in the world. As people hear that, I get comments like, "Leave it to Angelie to pick the most daring country". When in all honesty, I didn't know! Haha, lucky for me, things like that don't bother me at all. And let's be real, if I were going to the most daring country, I'm pretty sure aids would be the least of my worries!

That being said, with my family all over, my future unsure and my purpose in Swaziland unfolding, your prayers are my backbone. It's hard to always stay faithful in prayer, I'll be broken and admit that.. but Lord knows this is for Him, this is in His hands, and I'm in His hands - so thank you for holding me there even when my knees don't have the strength to stand.