passion.

what is passion anyway?
why do so many people throw themselves into hobbies or work?
why do we have to have a little 'thing' that we just love?
is it what makes us who we are?
unique?
expressed?
talented?
...special?

are these sports, this art, these achievements or even relaxation self-therapies part of our very being from the day we're conceived?
and what makes me lose desire to do something i once loved? and what makes me so hesitant to try something i know i could love, but that someone else would know i'm worse than them at?

'maybe you should find something you're passionate about.'
maybe there isn't anything. not really anyway.
maybe your passion is people.
is that enough?
maybe it's words.
literature.
poetry.
diaries.
novels.
speeches.
dramas.
grammar.
dictionaries.
languages.
.
there are so many things that make up one simple passion.
words.

my passion can't be people. half the time i'd rather sit alone and only think about others.
it can't be physical activity.. because i'd rather sleep than run. though sometimes my adrenaline's so thick and my energy so deeply numbed and blotted out that i feel i'll burst if i sit still a moment longer. maybe i need to run.
it can't be art.. because i paint when i find someone else's idea. i can't paint what's in my own mind because it never comes out how i wanted it to. i feel like i failed unless i see the beauty and mimic it perfectly. but how is it my own that way?

is this my own? these babblings and simple strings of sentences i like to call poetry. an expression of my own twisted, stubborn, tensed, ignorant mind. i don't know enough, i don't want to know enough, and the bottom line is: i'm not enough.
when passion fails, the heart feels empty.
and where is life when there is no passion?
so my life, without passion, is nothing.

maybe it does make me unique.
maybe it does make me special.
it marks my territory in this world that i so desperately long for because of my insecure human nature. it makes me feel alive, renewed, understood, or even purposely misunderstood.
understand that you do not understand, and maybe i will have met my goal.

the truth is, this ridiculous mind has no goal.
it only thinks out loud, in rhythms, in letters, in hugs, in half-hearted or bursting smiles.. or a read-between-the-lines tired eye that wishes to feel and live just that little bit more, but has no idea how to get there.

maybe it's easier being stuck in a mind of no limit.
it's both freeing and restricting in a healthy, yet frightful way.

Heavyhearted.

What is the meaning of grace, when it speaks to my darkest place?
Why do I always feel like I'm Your disgrace?
I'm sick of saving face.

When I feel heavy hearted, I know You're taking me back.
When You take me as I am, it's like the sunlight gracing the land.
When I feel heavy hearted.. please come and take my hand. I'm heavy hearted again.

Where is the message of hope when I'm sick & I'm all alone?
Why do I listen to doubt?
Why do I shut you out?
..You're what I need the most.

Though I feel so heavy hearted, I know You're taking me back
It's so crazy.. how You sustain me.
When I am down in the dirt, You come and claim me.
Father, Your burden is light.
I need Your love tonight.
I'm reaching out to You.

- the glorious unseen. heavyhearted.


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i posted this because i was about to do some journaling.. and I can't get this song off my heart today. the line 'when you take me as i am it's like the sunlight gracing the land'.... is echoing insanely. i know He's whispering it to me... "I take you back just as you are."
words i don't deserve but need so desperately.
i don't know why i listen to doubt, or why I shut him out.. when He's the only one that can sustain and satisfy my needs, my heart and my every breath. it's amazing how i can forget him so easily, then break after weeks of trying to live it on my own.


--

Abba Father.. I come before you completely broken, sinful and full of bottled up emotions. My God.... I can't hold them any longer. I can't keep walking without You carrying me. It leaves me at a loss of how to love, how to work, to carry on friendships and relationships, to be faithful, merciful, forgiving and not begrudging or complaining. I sit in my sea of complaints, so UNGRATEFUL and undeserving. I'm so sorry.. I'm sorry for not choosing You. I'm sorry for forgetting You as my First Love and breaking Your heart again. I'm sorry for trying to do it all without You.... it just can't be done. Not well.. and not without a lot of unnecessary pain and grief. I'm hurting you, I'm hurting myself, I'm hurting my relationship. I need You more than ever... You are so good and so faithful.. I need a new start with You.
Take me as I am..
I am learning to love You.
Your -hopeful- Angelie.