confessions of a lost daughter.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful
(Bethany Dillon - Beautiful)

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Normally I'd post things like this in a note on facebook or something..but the other day I came back to this blog and realized the beauty of re-reading what I'd written when I was away and when I came back. I really wish I had written more.
And now.. 7 months after coming home, 8 months after leaving Africa, and now a YEAR since I set out to Africa.. I have to sit back and wonder what God really did in me this year.

Since I got home, I could probably sit down and count the number of times I've really sat down to dig deep into God's presence and let myself learn from Him - alone, set apart and solely abandoned to surrender.
I almost don't know what it's like right now. This is brutal honesty, but since I came back, I've dealt with bitterness, loneliness, anger, anxiety, impurity, physical weakness and spiritual abandon. I'm soaked in sin and amazed at how quickly I've forgotten my Saviour.
The trip itself left me with confusion and anxiety... I don't know what happened, but while I was away, I feel like I learned things that changed me.. for the better and for the worse.
I've been so bitter at some people I met while I was away and how brutally attacked and alone I felt as soon as I came home, and how I felt that no one cared.

I can't believe I'm posting this publicly, but.. if someone who doesn't believe in Jesus comes across this blog and sees the contrast - the ups and downs of this narrow road, I hope they see... it's real. It's not religion, it's not the fight to live holy, it's not the fear to leave this God of jealousy, it's nothing that'll make you full of hatred. It won't leave you empty-handed or empty-hearted... because IT is the God of absolute love.... and here I am, leaving Him behind in months of torment and built-up fears and failures.
The more I leave Him behind...the more those things build up, and the more alone I feel.
The more I don't feel beautiful.
Like the song above said - I can't tell you how this life has been a constant search for beauty.
How I went from persistent acne, to weight issues, to impurities... well, you know. story of a lot of girl's lives. To believe that there is something completely unique, stunning, captivating in the depths of their hearts and in every inch of their being. That one day a man could stand there in astonishment at the beauty that stands before him. Not just that, that they could stare into the mirror themselves..and see themselves as beautiful. And stand before a perfect Creator and for him to say, "I see no stain on you".
I'm ready to start fighting again... to call on Him for my beauty and to abandon this lifestyle of isolation, anxiety and habitual sin.

I'm begging for another chance... and I know my God of undeserved kindness stands there, arms wide open... waiting for his daughter's call.