re-entry

'You desire truth in my inward being, therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.'

-ps.51:6

There's little I can say now to explain what's gone through my mind the past month & a half. I feel awful that I didn't keep up with writing on here - especially with all that happened. Journaling got so hard to focus on, and every time I'd come on to post a blog, I'd get overwhelmed with things to say that I would just resort to not saying anything at all. For that, I'm really sorry.

That being said, I'm on my way back to Canada tomorrow.. I can't believe it's finally here!
I had it really easy compared to my other classmates - the rest had to go straight back to their regular lives and sort things out right away. That can be really hard with being in such a concentrated Christian environment for almost 6 months straight and being with the same people and being in this sort of bubble of accelerated growth. I know a couple of them felt so disconnected and unmotivated to talk to God or be involved in anything Christian really for a while - and I was really blessed to not have so much going on right away.

I'll be honest.. it was tough wanting to pursue my relationship with God the past little while.. but the thing is, I know things have gone on inside me & transformed that I never thought would - and I have this total paradigm shift of the way I view Him now.. this whole new understanding of grace that keeps expanding every day. And as I'm torn between pursuing my desires and pursuing my desires in HIM - He is being so patient and every so often I hear the gentle whisper.. "My Daughter, I love you.. I still want to use you." .. whenever I thought that I couldn't seem to hear His voice anymore. Don't lose heart if you feel like you've failed Him.. He's soo full of undeserved kindness that it's ridiculous really! No matter what, He's waiting with open arms and more love for you in every way possible. How can I not be in love with Him?

I miss my classmates a lot - especially you, Andrea. I can't tell all of you enough of what a blessing this one girl was to me. Andrea Mickler has been one of the best friends I could have ever asked for and has stretched me, pushed me, loved me and been there in ridiculous ways... and that - is worth more than any precious stone. During one of our lecture weeks, a woman told me that she felt that the Lord just really wanted to adorn me in precious stones & rubies.. and she gave me a beautiful jade bracelet from China to represent that gift. I began to realize that those stones & rubies were more than just material things or little joys here and there - they were what I'm created for - to be loved by and know other people. Those precious stones & rubies are His blessings in the disguise of relationships - and Dre, I believe that you're one of those rare & precious stones in my life. I'm honoured to have known you and I'm still here.. wherever our crazy dirt roads lead to... :) [I adore you!]

I'd go through all the others... how Susannah impacted my view on joy & faith - she's the most beautiful portrait of how real joy doesn't depend on circumstance - but she's joyful in EVERYTHING! seriously, it's insane! But it's so so beautiful. I learned so much from you zanna. You're going to be a world changer... I have no doubt. You have so much beauty to offer.
How Andy's wisdom & heart for justice impacted my view of Christ - there are few men after God's own heart... but Andy is definitely one of them. He'd open his mouth with just one sentence, and it'd have far more impact on my heart than a full speech. You know how God created everything with just one word? It's kind of like that. Simple. Powerful. His image.
How Hlengiwe (Nini) could sit for hours just singing to Jesus and cared so deeply about never hurting or upsetting anyone - she has a servant's heart.. and it's taken for granted all the time. She's the start of something new in Swaziland.. :)
and how Matt grew into this confident, ridiculous, gentle, funny leader. He's one of the sweetest & most considerate people on the planet.. he loves giving - something I'm terrible at. and he had a world of patience living with four girls and only one other guy for months.. what a guy. (you too andy!)

anyway.. that was my outreach team.. one incredible one. really. I can't even say how amazing my time was - how up and down, homesick, ill-sick and then beautiful moments there were. Malawi was definitely the warm heart of Africa - in heat & in people. Hammanskraal, South Africa was my favourite place altogether though.. we worked with the elderly (I got to be a nurse for a day! :) ), abandoned babies, crashes (like a daycare/preschool) & with the teachers at those, do a youth rally and go door-to-door. I saw people healed, I saw babies told that they wouldn't live 2 weeks or function like a normal child as 4 year olds and responding with vibrancy, I spoke on hurtful parts of my past that I'm now FREE from & see them affect another person's soul, I saw people find a relationship with Jesus and just beauty in the broken.

I spoke at my parents' church last night and one thing I realized.. is that you can go out with the intention of changing the world, but instead God changes you.
I hope it stays that way.. I hope every day I remember His grace and can't help but want to love Him.. and that by loving Him.. I'll be just that inch of Him that makes the difference.
:)

I'm going back home tomorrow....... and I can't wait to see everyone!
Thank you again for everyone who supported, prayed for & loved me through all of this.
If you still have the patience & will..... :) keep praying.. I'll be needing a job as soon as possible when I get home and I'm applying for school to go into Nursing at Conestoga or McMaster for the fall.

With all the things I could be worrying about, Aaron & I read a devotional yesterday that helped me put things back into perspective - leaving things in God's hands - it had a quote by Minnie Louise Haskins from a poem called "The Gate of the Year" - 1908:

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
"Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."
And he replied, "Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!"

:) Keep holding his hand.

love,
His beauty in the making,

angelie beth. :)