She who reconciles the ill-matched threads of her life, 
and weaves them gratefully into a single cloth—
it's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall
and clears it for a different celebration where the one guest is You.
In the softness of evening
it's You she receives.
You are the partner of her loneliness,
the unspeaking center of her monologues.
With each disclosure You encompass more
and she stretches beyond what limits her,
to hold You.

- Rainer Maria Rilke from The Book of Hours: Love Poems to God

confessions of a lost daughter.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful
(Bethany Dillon - Beautiful)

----

Normally I'd post things like this in a note on facebook or something..but the other day I came back to this blog and realized the beauty of re-reading what I'd written when I was away and when I came back. I really wish I had written more.
And now.. 7 months after coming home, 8 months after leaving Africa, and now a YEAR since I set out to Africa.. I have to sit back and wonder what God really did in me this year.

Since I got home, I could probably sit down and count the number of times I've really sat down to dig deep into God's presence and let myself learn from Him - alone, set apart and solely abandoned to surrender.
I almost don't know what it's like right now. This is brutal honesty, but since I came back, I've dealt with bitterness, loneliness, anger, anxiety, impurity, physical weakness and spiritual abandon. I'm soaked in sin and amazed at how quickly I've forgotten my Saviour.
The trip itself left me with confusion and anxiety... I don't know what happened, but while I was away, I feel like I learned things that changed me.. for the better and for the worse.
I've been so bitter at some people I met while I was away and how brutally attacked and alone I felt as soon as I came home, and how I felt that no one cared.

I can't believe I'm posting this publicly, but.. if someone who doesn't believe in Jesus comes across this blog and sees the contrast - the ups and downs of this narrow road, I hope they see... it's real. It's not religion, it's not the fight to live holy, it's not the fear to leave this God of jealousy, it's nothing that'll make you full of hatred. It won't leave you empty-handed or empty-hearted... because IT is the God of absolute love.... and here I am, leaving Him behind in months of torment and built-up fears and failures.
The more I leave Him behind...the more those things build up, and the more alone I feel.
The more I don't feel beautiful.
Like the song above said - I can't tell you how this life has been a constant search for beauty.
How I went from persistent acne, to weight issues, to impurities... well, you know. story of a lot of girl's lives. To believe that there is something completely unique, stunning, captivating in the depths of their hearts and in every inch of their being. That one day a man could stand there in astonishment at the beauty that stands before him. Not just that, that they could stare into the mirror themselves..and see themselves as beautiful. And stand before a perfect Creator and for him to say, "I see no stain on you".
I'm ready to start fighting again... to call on Him for my beauty and to abandon this lifestyle of isolation, anxiety and habitual sin.

I'm begging for another chance... and I know my God of undeserved kindness stands there, arms wide open... waiting for his daughter's call.

Home..

i hate to post this on a public forum.. and strangely it's hardly about Africa.
but in one way it still is.
have you ever had the feeling of just being completely vulnerable and secluded.. where any thing could happen, and you wouldn't have a clue what to do because nothing's familiar? how do you make any sort of decision in such an unfamiliar place?

i get this lurking feeling of emptiness every now and then lately.
maybe it's my need to keep pursuing God more.. but that gets so hard to do sometimes. i know it's definitely a factor - because HE is where my home is.. but God, i wish i had a home here.
i'm a person who needs comfort.. something consistent in my life. and God is that, He is. and I have Aaron, but it's incredible how insecure and unsure of every thing you can feel at times.

i'm still trusting and waiting for a job.. well, a full time job. i have no income, no security of school and i've made so many changes in my life in the past 7 months, let alone the past month, that I just feel like my heart's been splattered across Africa, Europe and North America. Even new zealand. it's this big flopping mess of emotions every where, and half the time I don't even realize it.. until this hurricane rushes in and I can't handle holding them from the whirlwinds.

I've realized how often I can be incredibly selfish. how incredibly human I am.
How I stood there with my best friend, aching over her pain, realizing how little I had been there. How little I had put her heart in His, trusting He can move mountains.
How I can cry at my own stress and pain, and forget the eyes of the 11 month old that had so much more scarring before her first year of life than I've known in my 20 years.
but how He rescued her.. He rescued her from the abandonment and the curse over her life.
He rescues the fatherless, the widow and the alien.
and I am no different. I have been a stranger in many places over the past 7 months, and He has held me closely. He has let me rest at the foot of His robe, and gently placed exquisite flowers in my hair. and He's still holding me in this foreign place.
I KNOW He cares deeply about the detail.. but it's still the detail that I feel so unsure of.

Mum & Dad.. I miss you deeply. You have been my wise advisors, friends, teachers, shepherds and so much more over the past twenty years.. and though I've left your arms, I'll always need and love you. I'm so proud of you.. for all that you're risking and going through in England.. for your stand to love & follow Christ to the ends of the earth. You have taught me more than anyone in this life and I.. I thank you. thank you for loving me.

Aaron, you are a comfort, you are a steady, familiar place to me. God knows I needed you. He won't leave me without a friend or companion. you have been one of the greatest comrades I could have ever known.. and I can't thank Him enough for you. there are no words for the joy you have brought to my life.. thank you.

I can't say enough of the friends who have stood by me, no matter where in the world I am.
You are the finest rubies.

I am not alone. I have a home.
I'll settle in here. I'll find work.
I'll get a career. I'll use my talents for You.
I trust You.
Thank God for the push to find security and trust in Him.. Father, You are all I need. I'm so sorry when I don't recognize that. You are my Creator, my Rock, my First Love, the Source of all Beauty.. You are everything. I'll keep reaching for Your hand, Abba...
------------

God will you make us a people that love You?
Please take our offerings that we set before You.
God hear our prayers that we're lifting up to You.
God see our tears.. that we're struggling to see through.
God, hear our prayers to You.

In our weakness, You remain.
When we're broken, You sustain.

Lord make our hearts true. Will You make our hearts true?
God hear our prayers as we lift them to heaven.
We're praying the angels receive and embrace them.
The hopes of the empty, the cries of the broken.
We're reaching our hands out, Oh Lord will You hold them?

- the glorious unseen.

re-entry

'You desire truth in my inward being, therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.'

-ps.51:6

There's little I can say now to explain what's gone through my mind the past month & a half. I feel awful that I didn't keep up with writing on here - especially with all that happened. Journaling got so hard to focus on, and every time I'd come on to post a blog, I'd get overwhelmed with things to say that I would just resort to not saying anything at all. For that, I'm really sorry.

That being said, I'm on my way back to Canada tomorrow.. I can't believe it's finally here!
I had it really easy compared to my other classmates - the rest had to go straight back to their regular lives and sort things out right away. That can be really hard with being in such a concentrated Christian environment for almost 6 months straight and being with the same people and being in this sort of bubble of accelerated growth. I know a couple of them felt so disconnected and unmotivated to talk to God or be involved in anything Christian really for a while - and I was really blessed to not have so much going on right away.

I'll be honest.. it was tough wanting to pursue my relationship with God the past little while.. but the thing is, I know things have gone on inside me & transformed that I never thought would - and I have this total paradigm shift of the way I view Him now.. this whole new understanding of grace that keeps expanding every day. And as I'm torn between pursuing my desires and pursuing my desires in HIM - He is being so patient and every so often I hear the gentle whisper.. "My Daughter, I love you.. I still want to use you." .. whenever I thought that I couldn't seem to hear His voice anymore. Don't lose heart if you feel like you've failed Him.. He's soo full of undeserved kindness that it's ridiculous really! No matter what, He's waiting with open arms and more love for you in every way possible. How can I not be in love with Him?

I miss my classmates a lot - especially you, Andrea. I can't tell all of you enough of what a blessing this one girl was to me. Andrea Mickler has been one of the best friends I could have ever asked for and has stretched me, pushed me, loved me and been there in ridiculous ways... and that - is worth more than any precious stone. During one of our lecture weeks, a woman told me that she felt that the Lord just really wanted to adorn me in precious stones & rubies.. and she gave me a beautiful jade bracelet from China to represent that gift. I began to realize that those stones & rubies were more than just material things or little joys here and there - they were what I'm created for - to be loved by and know other people. Those precious stones & rubies are His blessings in the disguise of relationships - and Dre, I believe that you're one of those rare & precious stones in my life. I'm honoured to have known you and I'm still here.. wherever our crazy dirt roads lead to... :) [I adore you!]

I'd go through all the others... how Susannah impacted my view on joy & faith - she's the most beautiful portrait of how real joy doesn't depend on circumstance - but she's joyful in EVERYTHING! seriously, it's insane! But it's so so beautiful. I learned so much from you zanna. You're going to be a world changer... I have no doubt. You have so much beauty to offer.
How Andy's wisdom & heart for justice impacted my view of Christ - there are few men after God's own heart... but Andy is definitely one of them. He'd open his mouth with just one sentence, and it'd have far more impact on my heart than a full speech. You know how God created everything with just one word? It's kind of like that. Simple. Powerful. His image.
How Hlengiwe (Nini) could sit for hours just singing to Jesus and cared so deeply about never hurting or upsetting anyone - she has a servant's heart.. and it's taken for granted all the time. She's the start of something new in Swaziland.. :)
and how Matt grew into this confident, ridiculous, gentle, funny leader. He's one of the sweetest & most considerate people on the planet.. he loves giving - something I'm terrible at. and he had a world of patience living with four girls and only one other guy for months.. what a guy. (you too andy!)

anyway.. that was my outreach team.. one incredible one. really. I can't even say how amazing my time was - how up and down, homesick, ill-sick and then beautiful moments there were. Malawi was definitely the warm heart of Africa - in heat & in people. Hammanskraal, South Africa was my favourite place altogether though.. we worked with the elderly (I got to be a nurse for a day! :) ), abandoned babies, crashes (like a daycare/preschool) & with the teachers at those, do a youth rally and go door-to-door. I saw people healed, I saw babies told that they wouldn't live 2 weeks or function like a normal child as 4 year olds and responding with vibrancy, I spoke on hurtful parts of my past that I'm now FREE from & see them affect another person's soul, I saw people find a relationship with Jesus and just beauty in the broken.

I spoke at my parents' church last night and one thing I realized.. is that you can go out with the intention of changing the world, but instead God changes you.
I hope it stays that way.. I hope every day I remember His grace and can't help but want to love Him.. and that by loving Him.. I'll be just that inch of Him that makes the difference.
:)

I'm going back home tomorrow....... and I can't wait to see everyone!
Thank you again for everyone who supported, prayed for & loved me through all of this.
If you still have the patience & will..... :) keep praying.. I'll be needing a job as soon as possible when I get home and I'm applying for school to go into Nursing at Conestoga or McMaster for the fall.

With all the things I could be worrying about, Aaron & I read a devotional yesterday that helped me put things back into perspective - leaving things in God's hands - it had a quote by Minnie Louise Haskins from a poem called "The Gate of the Year" - 1908:

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
"Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."
And he replied, "Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!"

:) Keep holding his hand.

love,
His beauty in the making,

angelie beth. :)